just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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