i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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