how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
