Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
