She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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