so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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