I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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