I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
