Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
