I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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