xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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