You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
