If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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