if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize