Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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