I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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