absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
