Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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