My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
