do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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