I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
