i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
