i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
