We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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