Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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