i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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