There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
