I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
