Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
