if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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