The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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