I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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