It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
