my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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