quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
