Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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