Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize