so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
