i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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