i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Is it penis luge time yet?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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