My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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