the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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