um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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