the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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