Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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