Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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