Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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