What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
