i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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