Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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