I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize