We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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