you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
