1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
