I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
