just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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