I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
