would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize