i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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