I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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