So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
