Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
