that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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