You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize