my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize