You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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