i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
