reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
