no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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