The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
